What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 00:28
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Ive learnt so much.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He knew the spot.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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Im still living with it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Why am I so tired of the keto diet?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But it wasn’t much.
I have no regrets .
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
It was going to be , some day.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
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As i do to all so called friends.?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
What is the rudest/meanest thing a family member has said to you?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
This is soul school!.
She married twice! .
Why do men prefer low-maintanence women?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Can a bride cheat on her groom at a wedding?
She found it foreign!.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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She was in good health!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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So whats the point in blame.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My life is so biszare .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I never cut or harmed myself..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One cannot live in the past .
I said to her
(And it was in our own minds.)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We were not on the streets..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was very sick at this time too.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Put me off passion for life!!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I write beautiful poetry .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But ive been too sick for many years..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
When she asked me how she looked .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why did i forgive my father ?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
So, i spoilt her more .
Comes on , in middle age.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Would this be the day?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I will be 64.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She wouldn,t have been !
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
All the time i was locked up.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was seconnd youngest,
I think the readers, may guess!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Was to survive, this bastard.
What did i know ?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My family never makes their pension either.
She loved him until the end.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was 9 years of age.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Especially a lifetime of it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was scared of men, in general
But, we were locked up after school.
Who then, do I blame.?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We all went to grammer schools
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And i lived it daily.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I don,t even have a pension.
I waited trembling.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!